Everything Else

May We Present: the e-Venting Team’s Predictions for the 2016 Season.

  1. Andrew Nicholson celebrates his comeback with wins in all 5 Intermediate sections at Tweseldown riding 5 year old half-bred mules. After an objection, BE officials rule that they do qualify as event horses, but only if Andrew Nicholson is riding them.

  2. In a shock move, Charlotte Dujardin announces that she is bored with winning every time out at dressage and is switching to eventing. Tony McCoy is brought on board to teach her to go faster, but he decides to give her a run for her money and persuades JP McManus to fork out for Michael Jung’s entire stable, in a big bid for gold in Rio.

  3. Screen Shot 2015-12-31 at 16.43.27

    The Pferdewirtschaftsmeisterandroid in action

    After extensive medical testing following his Rio individual gold medal win on a score of 14, Michael Jung is revealed to be an android, as long suspected.

  4. Alex Ferguson has been signed up as a new Team GB performance coach. Yogi is worried about his job.

  5. Sepp Blatter turns his attention to equestrian sports and is elected new FEI President.

  6. Zara Phillips is looking to take Monbeg Dude 4* now that he has proven himself over the National fences. Just shows grid work works, folks!

  7. Paul Tapner has been bottling his energy, it’s now available via HorseHub and the Tapnereventing website, and is called “Energy on Tapp”.

  8. Ian Stark returns to the saddle to head a new Scotland team, who stake their claim by filling the top four places at Badminton. An arcane piece of legislation from 1598 is uncovered which allows them to compete at the Olympics as a sovereign nation. Alex Salmond explodes with happiness.

  9. Andrew Nicholson makes the most of his Scottish ancestry when a little known Olympic rule is unearthed allowing Scotland to field their own team.

  10. A lack of single Aussies and Kiwis thanks to the recent spate of marriages leaves many hopeful eventing groupies frustrated.

  11. A Kickstarter campaign to bring single Antipodean event riders to the UK is a huge success, with over £1m being pledged in the first 24 hours.

  12. Chris Bartle is offered a 7 figure sum and a knighthood to train Team GB, but the Germans confiscate his passport whilst he in on a training trip to Aachen, and he has not been seen since.

  13. H&H teams up with a feed manufacturer to stop producing print content in magazine form, instead it’s on the inside of feed sacks.

  14. A new saddle is invented which tones your bum as you ride. Expect to lose half a stone, chasing your horse which is freaked out by the vibrating saddle.

  15. BE announces a new championship for amateur one horse owners who have a grey gelding with between 2 and 13 FPs, and have never scored under 32.6 in a dressage test.

  16. Michael Jung releases a 4* line of training aids, which guarantee you a gold medal or your money back. Riders flock to buy them, failing to read the small print which limits this to German riders born in Bad Soden.

  17. BE announces that the speed for BE80 XC will be reduced to 267mpm and there will be no penalty for missing out any fences you think your horse won’t like.

  18. Aston le Walls is sponsoring nude fence art. The competition will be open to all artists and the whole course will be made up from the entrants. Expect to see mounds and balls everywhere.

  19. New BE70 and BE60 classes introduced. There is a mass panic that lead rein ponies will beat adults at BE60, leading to a rash of online petitions not to lower the age limit for riders or the height limit for ponies in BE classes.

  20. Horseware have moved on from their magical Dry Rug to a rug which removes all dirt in 30 minutes. Horse owners are sobbing with joy and offering blank cheques.

Happy New Year to all our followers, and we hope the 2016 season is a very successful one for you.

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